Another Memorial Day
It's been a long long long time. A long strange journey. It hasn't been easy. I look back to the words my friends have shared with me and they are still alive. Living words. Living language. Sometimes I am haunted by them... but not in a bad way, but feeling like I've almost solved the biggest puzzle in the world, but then the person you most wanted to share it with is gone... out of reach. It's strange, I look in the mirror and sometimes I see the ghost of a face I once knew. And I wonder if I'm keeping him alive or if he is keeping me alive. There are all these words. Lots of words. They all seemed so important to me at the time. Now the most important things seem to be those things that transcended the words all together.
I'm sitting here looking at visions of other worlds. Their secret meanings. And like Philip K. Dick's anamnesis, I find great irony that I was looking for someone else to show me the way to get where only I know how to go. I'm looking at these other worldly visions, and looking back I realize that I had forgotten about my own until only recently. And I remember the things which have yet to happen. I know my time here is short. Each day I feel the Event drawing nearer.
Last night the music sang to me such sweet and embracing tunes, that I was ready to leave right then and there. At this point I feel like I really don't belong here anymore and I'm just biding my time till the Mothership comes. My ego tells me I'm doing important things here and that if I stay I will live a wonderful life. But in my soul and all the rest of me longs for adventure... for travel. I remember where it is I will go next, and after that, and after that, and after that... and I find I miss those places that I've never yet been to, again. I know that sounds strange. But from my point of view, I'm standing on a wave that has been standing still since time began. Timewave zero perhaps. And now I'm feeling this strange mix of boredom, malaise, sadness, joy, excitement, anticipation, awe, fear, and probably the strangest... loneliness. That strangest of all sensations when one is surrounded by people, some of them who even like you... and some who even love you. I know beyond a shadow of all doubt, this was the Buddah's feelings before he departed. And in my mind I can see the Day Light all ready. I need not make the same journey to find what is already here. And yet... and yet... and yet and yet... something still is not right. I am still here. I haven't made the journey yet. I am overwhelmed. I keep putting it off. I'm waiting for that blue malibu to show up with the swirling rainbow lights to and the driver that makes me smile ear to ear.
I believe in miracles. Life is a miracle. That I can write this here and now, and remember it from there and then at the same time, is a miracle. I smile. The whole universe smiles. I cry the whole universe weeps. When did I begin being separate from the whole? That's right, I'm not. I never was.
I remember swooping down and trying to comfort myself. I made the musical utterly magical. I did everything I could to make the whole universe sing. But it was heavy and dark because I was brooding and tearful. Then somehow, some miracle happened. A quick rabbit flashed by. Was it my imagination? Did the rabbit in the gym mirror really exist? And we all know about rabbits and their holes that go to other worlds. Take Alice for example. She SHOULD HAVE smoked a fat one with the rabbit then bought him a drink. Things would have gone more smoothly I imagine. Then somehow, some miracle happened. Anamnesis. I remembered what I had forgotten my whole life. And it's so strange. Because I realize it was always there. I just somehow wasn't conscious of it. I've spent my whole life searching for it without knowing I was.
I found that which is even more precious than even the philosopher's stone. I've tried to explain it to many people. But they never understand or they think I'm crazy or lost in "magical thinking". But I understand them! I understand how they are misunderstanding me. And yet I never seem to be able to cross that divide. I have an easier time communicating to my kitty cat. Strangely, SHE understands me better than most people. But then again, she spends more time listening to everything I have to say. Watching it unfold and learning to understand. Lately, I've tried to communicate the EXPERIENCE of what I've found. The few brave souls who dare to let me share, are usually 'freaked out' or blown away. My musician neighbor nearly lost it a few nights ago when as we talked... I told him all about his deepest innermost thoughts and desires... without meaning to. Quoted all his song lyrics. All his conversations. All his great motivations. And I knew in my own self, that it was like he was closer than a brother. I knew him inside and out. And I remembered him and all his potentials, even if he had forgotten me in HIS amnesia. I feel that way about pretty much everyone I meet these days. People stare at me for a long time as I walk down the street. They are busy trying to place me. I look so familiar to them, but they don't know from where. But I do. Sometimes they even approach me once in a while and say something like... "you look so familiar. I know you from somewhere." Then I smile big and playfully and reply, "I get that alot." This is Hollywood after all. Everybody is trying to be seen. Haha... how funny it is that I'm trying NOT to be seen. But each day, as I draw closer and nearer to the Event, it becomes harder and harder to stay hidden. My instinct is to flee with great urgency to the forest. To hear the whispers of the trees. The ethereal voices and ghosts of ages past whisper reassuring messages in the wind. But I guess I did that last time. I guess this time I'm SUPPOSED to be here in the middle of all these people with their money and fancy cars and Starbucks lattes and "snide drunken remarks".
My fortune cookie message says, "You should be able to undertake and complete anything." So I've chosen to undertake the Event.